


Who Ate All The Pie!?

by CeliPuff, Winchesterlovr0508



Series: Bunker Diaries [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Baby, Covid-19 Related, Crack, Crack Fic, Dean is So Done, Dean’s diary, Dean’s journal, Destiel - Freeform, Diary/Journal, Funny, M/M, Quarantine, Trickster - Freeform, confused!Castiel, destiel shenanigans, stuck in the bunker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:15:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23685259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeliPuff/pseuds/CeliPuff, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Winchesterlovr0508/pseuds/Winchesterlovr0508
Summary: Who knows when this stupid thing will end? And since Sam and Cas are writing these friggin things, I’m gonna tell my side of the story.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Gabriel/Sam Winchester
Series: Bunker Diaries [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1689235
Comments: 28
Kudos: 98





	Who Ate All The Pie!?

**Day One**

I was really on the fence about Gabriel coming over but I have to give it to the little guy, he gives Sammy a run for his money. The guys in love with the big ol’ moose and it’s kinda cute, I mean hey, I’m a hopeless romantic but the visuals are _not_ something I like to think about. 

Isn’t it weird how we never use pens or pencils anymore? I mean I was just wondering how to express myself without emojis… 

I’m getting distracted, back to Sam’s new trials. Which if you saw his face, you’d believe were worse than his _actual_ trials, and those almost killed him. The guy’s friggin surrounded by mooses… is mooses correct? Meeses? No, not that. You know what I mean. Multiple damn moose toys.

**Later**

Sorry, had to take a break. When the angel comes a knockin… uh, you get it. (Insert winky face)

**Day Two**

Cas is mad at me. 

I didn’t do shit but cancel a recording on some stupid documentary about the ocean. Let me add - he’s seen it! 

But he’s so mad at me that when I asked for a glass of water he brought me a glass of ice and said “wait” and just walked away. Definitely not getting laid tonight.

**Day Three**

Sam taught Cas the Internet, which means Gabe and I got bored. At 3 a.m. every speaker in the bunker and every screen began Sam’s _Herpexia_ commercial on a loop. If you ever see my brother, ask him how he manages his genital herpes. 

**Day Four**

**3:57 am**

I have questions. Who the fuck is this Garth Brooks on meth with an eyebrow ring hanging on by a pubic hair, Joe Exotic? And he got TWO straight guys to marry him just with tigers and _meth_!? I feel like that might’ve been one of Gabriel’s disguises, but I digress. 

Side note: Carol Baskins DEFINITELY killed her husband. 

Totally unrelated… nobody give Cas any sardine oil.

_I wouldn’t need sardine oil Dean. I would just pitch you back to Hell._

CAS GET OUT OF MY ASS!!!

_I’m not in your ass Dean._

_Yet._

G2G. Duty calls. 

**Day Five**

So I went on a store run. Holy hell, people are crazy! And who the _fuck_ keeps buying all the toilet paper!? It’s a respiratory disease and nobody can wipe their ass. You know who does that? CRAZY PEOPLE! 

**Ten Minutes Later**

Oh. My. Fuck. 

I was gone for an hour. An hour! And _somehow,_ Gabriel is flying through the bunker, Sam has the shower curtain tied around his ginormous neck and Cas… where the shit did you even _find_ a dress in here!? I walked up to my loving angel boyfriend who is older than time and asked, “Cas, are you...a damsel in distress?”

His words. I shit you not. “I’m a damsel. I’m in distress. I can handle this. Have a nice day Dean.” And continued wailing “HELP ME MY KNIGHT!” At the top of his lungs. 

So… guess who’s going to slay the dragon and moose brother to save the friggin damsel with a Empty paper towel roll? You guessed it. This guy. ALLON-SY!

**Day Six**

Who the fuck invited Gabriel to spend the quarantine here?? He just photoshopped my face on a duck’s body and I’m clearly not understanding the damn joke here.

What the fuck is a “Jensen Quackles”? 

This is stupid. Gabriel needs to get out.

**Day Seven**

Cas wanted to “experiment” last night. Mistakes were made. I don’t give a shit how much you like bees. Honey does not belong in certain places. Especially when a certain archangel lets ants into your room. Anybody want an angel? Clearly, Gabriel is fucking broken. I’m about to tell Sam to give up the D just so that Sonofabitch leaves me alone. 

Thank God I’ll be dead long before anyone reads this. 

**Day Eight**

Told Cas I wasn’t in the mood last night. Don’t judge me but curry and anal don’t mix. Anywho, so I’m sitting in the war room, drinking my coffee and minding my own business. Suddenly a fucking _hot dog_ lands in my coffee. I wipe away the first and second degree burns and look up. Cas is standing there giving me the stink eye and said, “Here’s the wiener you didn’t get last night.” 

There’s no way he didn’t get that idea from Gabe. What the actual FUCK were god’s qualifications for angels!?

**Day Nine**

I think Satan is wearing my little brother’s meat suit again. Buckle up kiddies, it’s story time. 

This isolation crap has us losing our minds. I mean, even _Gabe_ ran out of prank ideas for the time being. Do you hear me people!? THE TRICKSTER. RUNNING OUT OF PRANK IDEAS! This is serious shit. So in the middle of our third (yes you heard me right. Third) _Game of Thrones_ marathon (because honestly, can you ever really get sick of watching a certain little shit choke on some dry ass pie? The answer is no.) Cas starts looking up human rights of passage on the internet. Thanks again Sam. 

Whatever. So he finds something about sleepovers and then Grabby Dicks over here, I mean Gabe, finds out we’ve never had one. Awesome. I cannot roll my eyes hard enough. So Cas starts going through the typical list and suggests we play truth or dare. This is my excited face. Spoiler alert: I’m _not_ excited. 

So it ends up being my turn and Sam looks at me with the fire of a thousand revenge suns in his eyes and asks me: Truth or Dare. Shit. Now about a week ago Sam forced us to take a Hogwarts House Quiz or whatever. He’s a Ravenclaw. Smart ass. I’ll let you guess the others because that isn’t the point and my hand is cramping. 

I say dare. He smiles. Double shit. He says, “I dare you to go the rest of this quarantine without pie or beer.” I don’t think Lucifer ever left his body. It’s been two hours and I’m SOBER! Forget that Netflix series, THIS is how you make a murderer. 

Jokes on him though. I looked up my own list and showed Cas that there’s a game called “Seven Minutes In Heaven”. Looks like Gabe is gonna get to wear those assless chaps again. 

Moral of the story: don’t ever come between Dean Winchester and pie. Don’t do it. 

**Day Ten**

Gabe made his own version of pigs in a blanket. Yes. I know, we’re all scared. He used ham instead of pastry dough or whatever the hell people use. 

These aren’t pigs in a blanket at all. More like dicks wrapped in foreskin. 

Suddenly, Sammy isn’t so hungry anymore. Now Gabe is yelling, “You don’t peel the foreskin Sammykins! You caress it. With your tongue.” Insert creepy 70’s porn wink here. 

Aaaand now Cas is gobbling them up and it’s given me a few ideas. Excuse me. 

Change of plans… Cas looked me dead in my eyes and bit one in half. And just like that, my rocket is no longer ready for take off. 

**Day Eleven**

Alright! Who the fuck told Cas a good way to seduce me was to get honey and assprints on Baby!? He was leaning on the hood like a swimsuit model and his dick was dipped in honey! Haven’t we had this conversation already about friggin honey!? What the hell did my car do to you people!?

There’ll be murder. I’m going to murder them all. After I see what that honey do… then murder!

**Day Twelve**

I woke up to weird noises coming from Sam’s room. Like a moose and a rabid wombat fighting over a scrap of jelly toast. Pretty sure I’ll need therapy now.

**Day Thirteen**

So Cas decided to look through some of our family photos while Gabe and Sam argued about whether gummy sharks was a healthy breakfast. After he got done he looked at me and said, “These are really nice Dean but, where’s Adam?”

OH MY CHUCK WE FORGOT ADAM!!!

Can you make a trip to Hell during a quarantine?

**Day Fourteen**

Cas wanted to try champagne. 

He felt like it was necessary to celebrate in a way _humans_ do since this shit show is finally over. Sam said no, but Gabriel got some anyway and I was just happy to get outside of the damn bunker so I was all for it. 

What can go wrong?

**Everything.**

I’ve never been this sticky before in my entire life. And this includes the time I… never mind that one. I have champagne covering every inch of my body and Cas won’t let me shower yet, something about a tongue bath? I don’t know what that means, but we all know I have to figure it out.

If I enjoy it, we definitely need to come up with a new name for it. I’m _not,_ saying tongue bath.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the Bunker Diaries series 😊


End file.
